mom life, best wife?

Motherhood has consumed me (obviously, I'm writing about it on the internet). A lot of it has to do with my preferred style of parenting but it also has a lot to do with how much I love my child. When I was pregnant I didn't feel a supernatural connection to my baby like all the books and blogs told me I would, but when he was born I knew I never ever wanted him to leave my side. I love him so so much and I can't remember what my life was like before him.

I've become so gripped by what it means to be a good mother that I feel like I have forgotten how to be a good wife.

I'd like to think that pre-baby I was kind and thoughtful. I'd like to think that I made my husband feel nurtured and wanted. Did I? I don't know. And I'm afraid to ask him.

One Crazy Love

I do know that I spend all of my time making sure my baby is well cared for. I nurse, change, play with, read and sing to, snuggle, bathe him. The boy gets what the boy needs, immediately. Most of the time his needs are fulfilled before he has to tell me he needs something and he is an incredibly cheerful baby because of all the attention he gets from me. 

Why can't it be the same for my husband? 

Each night I lie awake and my mind races through the million thoughts I didn't get to while I was momming all day. I replay the moments I shared with my husband and nearly every memory is tainted with snappy sarcastic responses to simple questions, rudeness, belittling comments, or impatience. There are very few snippets of shared joy. Just me, being MEAN.

It's better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, nagging wife. Proverbs 21:19 

I don't think our marriage is in jeopardy. He is my best friend, and has been for a long time. But some days we're distant. Some days we don't say much to each other because I snapped at him for not loading the dishwasher right or washing the diapers on the wrong setting. There are times when I wish I could grab those hurtful words as they fly out of my mouth and start over.  I'll occasionally catch myself just before I say something spiteful, but I still have those petty thoughts. Just because they didn't come out of my mouth doesn't mean I didn't think them, and thinking them is just as harmful as speaking them.


Good wives are called to be companions and helpers to their husbands but I feel like I've been doing nothing but hurting. I've been praying lately that God will give me opportunities to be a better wife. After all, when our children are grown, I still want to be able to look at my husband and think that he is the best thing that ever happened to me, because he most certainly is. I pray that God continues to bless our family despite my destructive criticism of my husband and that He continues to mold me into a wife that my husband can be proud of. My husband deserves so much more than I've been giving, and my son deserves a better example of a loving wife.